Jokes > Search Results > tripod for phone

tripod for phone Jokes

tripod for phone Jokes and more.

Related Tags: tripod for phone for candy for example cell phone phone call phone book joke for kids joke for women for the sick worse for wear jokes for kids rude joke

The Light Runner and The Cop

A man was driving his car when he reached a light. The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him, and I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''

An Elderly Miami Man Calls His Kids

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

Predictive Text Can Be Dangerous

The First Text Message: 'Dear John, this is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan.' The Response: John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and went out into the garden for some fresh air. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor. The Second Text Message: 'Hi John, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to ˜Wife”. Technology hey?? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.'

The Wrong Afterlife

The devil was sitting at the gates of hell when an old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file. “This can’t be right,” the old man said, looking at the Devil accusingly, “I’ve been a good man my whole life!” The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell. “Why don’t you start with how you died and we’ll figure it out.” He said The old man signed and said: “Well, I was out with minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out. I don’t get the grandchildren often because my eyesight is starting to fade. But we were having the most wonderful time.. And that’s when everything went crazy! Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous! And that’s when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch?” “So what did you do?” The Devil whispered, entranced by the story. He was munching on a box of popcorn. The old man continued, “You don’t get how big this mouse was! Radiation it must’ve been. Too many phones these days, that’s what causes it. I did the only think I could! I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye sight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good! The kids started screaming at this point. You know how they get when you have to kill an animal. But I needed to keep going. You see with mice, you need to see their guts to know their dead. Otherwise they’ll be back with others.” “So you killed it?” The Devil asked. Some of his demigods had come to listen to the story. The old man nodded, “By golly I did! Guts and all were splattered for all to see. The kids had lost their mind at this point. Tears everywhere. A crowd had gathered as well, all screaming at the sight. It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.” “Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here. The Devil pulled up a phone from thin air and dialed a number. “Hey Jesus,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.” The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent celebratory thumbs up as the voice continued. The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said, “You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.” The old man nodded, “Oh that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”

The New Blonde Stewardess

A new blonde stewardess began her first day. The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms. The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't get out of my room!" “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Cheesy Pick Up Lines

Phone Puns

The Mental Health Hotline

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…"

Christian Pick Up Lines

The Grim Reaper and the Dentist

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins". "What do you mean?" asks the dentist. "Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now." The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life." The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?" The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free." The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?" The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide." "Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance." The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died." The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

An Embarrassing Vehicle

The son of a Saudi mogul goes to study in Europe. One night, the phone rings at the house of his parents. Dad: 'How's your life going, son?' Son: 'It's going well, dad.' Dad: 'Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.' Son: 'No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here.' Dad: 'Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.' Son: 'Well dad, to be honest, I am a bit ashamed to drive to my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.' Dad: 'My dear son, why didn't you say so earlier? I will send you more funds this instant. Please stop embarrassing us and go and get yourself a train too.'

Car puns

A Doctor and His Wife "Go At It"

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. Things in the bedroom hadn’t been good for a while, so they were going at it over that. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. He began his working day, and didn’t hear a peep from his wife. By mid-morning, he decided to make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "I was getting a second opinion."

A Blonde at the Cinema

I went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.” By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?” “No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘Turn Off Your Phone’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”

Calling the CEO

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!" It turns out that he didn't dial the pantry at all. The voice from the other side responded: "You fool! You've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee pauses for a moment to think about an appropriate response. He shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No," replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

Air Travel Quotes

The Diamond Necklace

A husband and wife were walking down a high street when the wife spots a beautiful diamond necklace in a jewelry store window. She urges her husband to go inside so that she can take a look at it. Although she wants it, he simply doesn’t have to buy it for her, but he promises that it’ll be hers one day. A month passes, and the wife is at home wondering where on earth her husband is. She angrily calls his cell phone. "Where the hell are you?!?" she yells. "Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?" "Yeah, I remember that my love!" she replies, smiling and blushing as she does, her anger changing to euphoria. "I'm in the bar just next to that shop."

Greece Puns

Shower Puns

Radio Puns

Where On Earth Is My Employee?

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello." "Is your Daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" A muffled giggle answered him. "Me."

Vegetable Puns

Crow Puns

The Ugly Romeo

A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines. But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm. The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the bartender, he said: ‘I don't get it. How did that guy walk out with those two when I can't even get a phone number?’ ‘I don’t know what his secret is,’ said the barman. ‘But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there, licking his eyebrows.’

Pig Puns

The Phone Call

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." "What? What are they doing??" "To be honest, they are sleeping together." says the maid. The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with. We'll make it look like a break-in gone bad." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "I don't know. Throw them in the swimming pool for all I care!" "There's no pool here." There's a long, long pause on the other side of the phone. "ah... I think I got the wrong number."

A Punny Story...

I was sitting in my office when a case came in. So I finished two bottles from it. Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window. I knew she was tall because I was on the second floor. The phone rang and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t have a phone. It was a girl and she was in trouble. I knew she was, ’cause she said so. I raced down the stairs and called a cab. The cab stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out and I got in. We took the corner at a hundred miles per hour, but a cop stopped us and told us to put the corner back. Then we were out of the city. I knew it, because we were not hitting so many pedestrians. As we came to her house, she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took the cigarette out and kissed me again. She had the most beautiful blonde hair I have ever seen – hanging from her left nostril. She had teeth like the ten commandments – all broken. She also had the most beautiful eyes – so beautiful that the one eye could not stop looking at the other one. Suddenly a brick came flying through the window and hit her on the left breast – breaking three of my fingers!

The Husband Test

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone. "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then I will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary and bleary eyes, she read: I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy some bread."

The $15 Porsche

A 16 year old teen comes home with a Porsche. His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.” “With what money?” Demanded his Father. “I know how much a Porsche costs!” “Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.” The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked. “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” “Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother, “she must be mentally ill! Who knows what she will do next? Paul, you go right up there and see what’s going on. And you my son should be ashamed of taking advantage!” So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and asked her what happened. “Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

How to Get Out of a Blind Date 101

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said: "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Stupidity and Foolishness Quotes

Blonde Jokes

Lobster Puns

Nerdy Pick Up Lines

Why Are You Calling Me Now?

What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered. "9 am," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until 9 am?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. The librarian began to get angry. "No, not until 9 am!" said the librarian. "Why do you want to get in before 9 am anyway?" "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

The Recommended Treatment

A man returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!" "Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me??" asked the man. "Well... no." The doctor replied. "But it's the only food we can get under the door."

The Milking Machine

A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch, and everything else was automatic. Soon, he found that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell phone (thank God for cell phones!). "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"

A Quarter in Heaven

A quarter dies and goes to heaven. At his arrival at the gates of heaven, the Lord himself welcomes him while angels play the trumpets. The quarter doesn't believe his eyes as he is being given the most beautiful cloud of all whith riches and food and honey for eternity. The next day the one hundred dollar bill dies. He also rises to heaven but their doesn't appear to be anyone. He pushed the gate open by himself but behind it is nobody but one angel playing on his phone. The one hundred dollar bill asks for his cloud but is given a little filthy grey rainy cloud. As he tries to make himself comfortable in which is doesn't succeed, he sees the quarter on his right partying with all the angels at his enormous white cloud. Upset he goes to God himself to complain. "Why does the quarter get the best cloud while I get this stormy trash? I'm more valuable, right?", asks the one hundred dollar bill. But God responds: yeah, but you we didn't see that much in church.

Uncle Ted's Antics

A man came home early from work one day, only to hear some strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on their bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he said. "I'm having a heart attack," cried his wife. So the man rushed downstairs to grab the phone. But, just as he was about to start dialing, his four-year-old son came up to him and announced: "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe! AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!" The man slammed the phone down and stormed back upstairs into his bedroom, past his moaning wife. Then he ripped open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there was his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You jerk!" Yelled the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

The Smartphone Poem

My new phone is "smart." I guess that I'm not. Amazing what all this here smart phone has got. TV and Weather and Internet, too. There's just no limits to what it can do. Check my blood pressure and my temperature Without even probing all my apertures. I now know the time in Paris or Greece. I can track the migration of thousands of geese Or find Chinese food; it's here on this map. Oops, my finger just slipped, now where was that at? A camera...a CAMERA! Now I can take shots Of everyone I know (who'd rather I not). Push this here button and take me a "selfie." (If it had a nose would this thing take a "smellfie"?) Email to pester with, video to shoot, Maps to drive 'round with, wow that's a hoot! A compass to guide me home if I'm lost. Thank God work paid for this thing (what it COSTS!). The things that it does would amaze Mr. Bell. What he would have thought of it, no one can tell, But one question's still stuck in my middle-aged craw. Despite all the gizmos that strike me with awe, They're fun and they're useful and "techy" and all ...But how do I just simply make a phone call?

Snail Puns

A Funny Christmas Tale

Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the substation, Not a deputy stirred, they were all on vacation. The stockings were hung on the wall with great care, Next to some T-shirts and old underwear. I was working the night shift compiling stats, Answering the phone, and feeding the rat. When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I leapt from my desk to see what was the matter! I opened the door with a creak and a crick, And saw a jolly red fat man I knew must be St. Nick. I had seen his picture a time or two, He was wanted: Article 27 - Section 342. I threw open the door and commanded him "Freeze!" "Put your hands on you head and get down on your knees." But he turned and he ran, up the chimney he flew, with me in pursuit, toward Booth St. I knew. When we got to the roof Santa made for his sleigh, Throwing down toys and blocking my way. As I got to the peak, he threw down some crack, I slipped and I fell landing flat on my back. To my front I was faced with a toy M-1 tank, And Pink Power Rangers covering my flank. "On Dasher, on Dancer!", he cried loud and clear. Then I got off three rounds and just missed the lead deer. And I heard Santa say as he sailed into the blue, "Merry Christmas to all! My Lawyers will sue!"

Golfing With the Wife and the Doctor

A husband decides to join his wife for the first time playing golf. He's never really been into the game, but since his wife was playing with all these men around, he wanted to come and check it out. All day long he complains: About the heat, about the other people, about how long it's taking... They are on the 9th green when suddenly he collapses from a heart attack! "Help me," he groans to his wife. The wife calls 911 on her cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up her putter, and lines up her putt. Her husband raises his head off the green and stares at her. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the wife calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you." "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" he asks feebly. "No time at all," says his wife. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

The Dolphin Trainer

An elderly man rear ends a young man driving an expensive sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!” “Oh my” says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he’ll know what to do." "Dolphins...", the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man. "So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I’m gonna beat you AND your old man to a pulp. So you better train those dolphins to bring you some cash!" "I’ll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly ten minutes later a pickup truck pulls up. A huge guy hops out and proceeds to walk calmly towards the bully. Before the enraged young man can speak, the man smoothly rams his head against the other man's forehead. The bully crumples like paper and the other man catches him, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he’s finished, he walks over to the old man and says: “For the last time dad... I train seals... Navy Seals…. NOT dolphins.”

The Monthly Charge

Some time ago, a man had two sons. As they got older, everyone quickly realized that Jackson was very sharp, while Blake was about as sharp as a spoon. They were both loved very much and cared for. As time went by, the father got sick and eventually passed away. Jackson called his brother on the phone and told him: "Listen, I have an enormously important business meeting I must attend, but I will get on the first flight home. Here are my credit card details, please make sure dad looks his best and gets everything money can buy for his funeral, spare no expense!" He wasn't sure this was a great idea, given that Blake was... well, Blake, but he had no one else to call. Surprisingly, Blake took care of everything, and did it with a rather decent budget. Jackson was pleasantly surprised and the funeral went well, if a sad and emotional affair for all. A few months later Jackson calls Blake again. "Listen," he says. "I don't want to make accusations or nothin', but could it be that you are still using my card for about $300 dollars every month? I can see it here on my credit report." "Of course not!" said Blake, insulted. "I would never steal from you, you know that!" "Yea, I do." Said Jackson, "But how do you explain these?" "Oh," said Blake, "I bet those are for dad's tux. You said you wanted him to look his best so I rented the most expensive suit in town!"

How to Predict the Weather

Fall was upon a remote reservation when the Native American tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern-day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared. After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "the Native Americans are collecting firewood like crazy."

This Book is So Dull!

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and, screaming, said, “I have a complaint!” “How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her. “I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!” Puzzled by her complaint, the librarian asked: “What was wrong with it?” “It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde. "Ahhhhh," nodded the librarian. "So you're the person who took our phone book."

Working at The Circus

So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”. Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the heck. I’m pretty talented.” and calls the circus. A lady answers him. “Hello,” she says. “Hi, is this the circus?” “Yes.” “I’ve heard you’re hiring.” “You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?” “Alex.” “Alright then, Alex, what makes you think you can join the circus?” “Well, I have several talents... for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.” “O... Okay... That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s not really not what we’re looking for. I think maybe you should call the NB...” “No, no, wait! I... I can hula hoop for like 30 seconds straight!” “Sir, I really don’t think you understand what the concept of a cir...” “No, please, I... I... I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backwards!” “...” “...” “Goodbye, sir.” She hangs up the phone. Alex sits there for a few seconds before he realizes he forgot something. “Oh darn, I forgot to tell her I’m a horse.”

The Best Weight Loss Program

A guy heard about this amazing new weight loss company, all his friends tell him there's nothing like it for losing a quick 5 pound. He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old woman dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program." Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "If I catch you, you are mine."

A Choice of the Heart

A patient who needs a heart transplant suddenly gets a phone call from his surgeon. "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?" The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart." "Are you sure??" Asks the surgeon in surprise. "Yea, I'd rather have one that hasn't been used."

The Rabbi and the Poison

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'I'm pretty sure my wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. My advice?' Take the poison.'

Roses are Red Violets are Blue Jokes

Llama Puns

Living the Dream

Two old friends caught up for lunch. Jake and Oliver hadn't seen each other for over twenty years. "How have you been?" Oliver asked. "I've been good" Jake said, ordering from the menu "I'm married with two great kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been?" Oliver puffed up his chest in pride "Well, I've been great! I've spent the last twenty years living the dream. Moved out from living with my parents early. I was lucky to be in a privileged position that I didn't need to find work. I've spent most of time with hobbies like reading and going to the gym. Money hasn't been too much of an issue for me either. And the action! I wasn't much of a player when I was younger. But I have been getting laid consistently. Every single day." Jake couldn't help but listen and feel a bit envious about Oliver living the good life for the past 20 years. The two friends parted after lunch. Later that night Jake was having dinner with his family when the phone rang. "Excuse me, is this Jake?" a voice asked. "Yes it is, how can I help you?" Jake replied. "I'm trying to track down Oliver. You're listed as one of his contacts" the voice continued. "Okay"... Jake asked confused "Can I ask who this is?" "This is Oliver's parole officer."

Rich Fathers

A 19-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl cries and says she only dated the father for a few weeks. She picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if the worst should happen and there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest we do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You try again."

Fish Puns

The Last Lifeline

Irish Bobby went to American for his dream to make a lot of money. Luck striking like lightning, he found himself invited to "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." Many questions later and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million dollars, he has only one lifeline left - phone a friend. The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest? A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo" Bobby doesn't know so he calls his friend Billy. Billy answers 'by Christ Bobby, it's a cuckoo - 100%.' Bobby goes with the advice his friend gave him and indeed that answer wins the million dollars and he is so very happy. Afterward, Bobby rings Billy and asks him 'How the heck did you know that? You're no bird expert!' 'Bobby you're idiot," Said Billy, "What an easy question! He lives in a bloody clock, right?"

Phone Number Pick Up Lines

The Bank Robbing Couple

Jeff and his girlfriend Jenny decide to become bank-robbers. Jenny does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while Jeff waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught. At trial, the judge condemns Jenny to ten years in prison, while Jeff gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error Jeff will be serving ten years and Jenny only two. Despite of her insistence, Jeff convinces Jenny to keep quiet about it. After two years Jenny gets out and she continues to visit Jeff faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years. Finally, after he does his time, Jeff gets out and is joyfully reunited with Jenny. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage. On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together. The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Jenny why she decided to stick with Jeff while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships. Jenny answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."

Dog Puns

I Had to Take Matters Into My Own Hands

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said: "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well, you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were three police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"

The Cat Navigator

There was a man who couldn't stand his wife's cat. So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping him a long way away from the house. He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away, then he left him at the park. But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened. The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away, about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home. And again, the cat was there waiting for him. 'This is impossible,' said the man to himself, 'tomorrow I'll make sure he can't come back!' The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around, taking turn after turn - right, left, right, right and so on. Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out and drives home. A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it. It's the husband, and he asks: "Is the cat there?" "Why, yes." says the wife, "he's been here quite a while, where are you?" "Put that bastard on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."

Finding Out Answers

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone. "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

Calling the Doctor

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I’m afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied: "I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS."

What NASA Can't Do

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States. He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars." He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

Puns

Dad Jokes

Playing in Detroit

A coach for the Detroit Lions was looking for the perfect quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Syria. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Syrian Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! “I’ve got to get this guy!” The coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!” So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Syrian is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!” “I don’t want to talk to you,” the old Muslim woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son!” “I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.” “No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

One Liners for Kids

A Politician in the Village

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. "We have two basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villager leader. "Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor." On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not worry, a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the second problem. "...secondly Sir, there is no cellphone reception anywhere in this village."

A Call to the Librarian

A librarian is woken up in the middle of the night by a phone call. "What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered. "9 am," he said. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until 9 am?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. The librarian began to get angry. "No, not until 9 am!" said the librarian. "You can't get in by then so you'll just have to wait!" "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch. ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged tone. CANNON'S KARMIC LAW If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tyre. O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. Same goes for car lanes. BELL'S THEOREM The moment your body is immersed in water, the phone rings. RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. WILLOUGHBY'S LAW When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. BREDA'S RULE At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last. OWEN'S LAW As soon as you sit down for a hot cup of coffee, someone will want to talk to you until the precise moment your coffee is cold...

The Old Lady and the Gentleman-For-Hire

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his butt. The old lady figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. She gave him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sensual! Thought the old lady. Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I want is s*x. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" asked the old lady. "That sounds absolutely fantastic, madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Turtle Puns

The Blond Flight Attendant

An airline captain was helping a new blond flight attendant prepare for his first overnight trip. Upon their arrival the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new attendant was missing. He knew which room he was in at the hotel and so he called him up wondering what happened to him. He answered the phone in distress, and said he couldn't get out of his room! "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" "There are only three doors in here," the man groaned, "one leads to the bathroom, one leads to the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Monster Puns

Pineapple Puns

Turkey Puns

Two Women Have a Drunken Night Out

Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her panties, used them and discarded them. The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded, "You're lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read: "We will never forget you!"

Blonde vs. Lawyer

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Not One to Be Outdone

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him in bewilderment. "It appears that you've got a bit a of a stuck paper problem there," pointed the amused American. "Well, of course." The Irishman was quick to respond. "I must be getting a fax."

When a Gyno Becomes a Mechanic

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said: "no, no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."

Little Johnny's Mother

The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living. One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said: "My mom's a streetwalker." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

The Alarming Wives

Two wives finally find some time to have a night out, just the two girls. After a night of happy drinking, they decide to wobble home, but on the way both have a desperate need to pee. They nip into a cemetery, do the deed and realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with. So one uses her underwear and the other grabs a wreath and uses that. Next day there husbands are talking on the phone, voicing there concerns. "I'm not happy", says one husband, "she came home with no underwear on!" "I hear you" replies second husband in a sad voice. "But if you think that's bad, my wife had a card stuck in the crack of her backside saying, "From all the guys at the fire station, we will all miss you!"

Between Anger and Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?” The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.” With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?” The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.” “See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.” The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father. “Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.” He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!” The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

Jokes For Women

Brain Puns

A Life Free From Distraction

Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life. Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds. "Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!" But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPads. Shaken by this intrusion of the outside world into monastic life, he sought out the abbot. The abbot looked up from his phone, greeted the man and asked if he had a question. "Abbot, I came here expecting a place free from distraction, and yet I see distraction all around. Tell me, is it now acceptable for monks to spend their time answering emails?" "Of course," said the abbot, "provided there are no attachments."

What Size Will You Be Going For?

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the procedure, since it was considered cosmetic surgery. The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for a "small," $6,500 for a "medium," and $14,000 for a "large." Rabbi Bernstein was sure that his wife and he would want at the least a medium... and perhaps even a large. But the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The rabbi called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the rabbi slouched over in the chair looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Chuck Norris Jokes

He Has a Chip On His Shoulder

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston. The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details." The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I came to hook up your phone."