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mark twain Jokes

mark twain Jokes and more.
Garden Quotes
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
Funny Summer Quotes
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
Animal Puns
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
Birthday Jokes
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Funny Health Quotes
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
Stupidity and Foolishness Quotes
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
Never Forget Her Birthday...
It was breakfast time at the Smiths' house. Linda turned to her husband Frank with an irritated look and said: "I bet you don't remember what today is!" "Of course I remember!" declared Frank, and hastily left for work. When he reached his office, he immediately went to his best friend's office and shouted: "Mark, you have to help me - I think it's my wife's birthday today and I completely forgot about it!" Mark calmed him down and opined that he should send his wife several gifts throughout the day. "That way there is no way she'll realize you just remembered. Besides, pick the right gifts and you'll have a very happy woman on your hands..." Frank immediately goes and does exactly that, sending his wife a beautiful dress, her favorite perfume and even some sexy lingerie, each delivered to the house every few hours. When evening came, Frank return to the house beaming with pride, and met his wife standing with a huge smile on her face. "First the beautiful dress, then the perfume I like so much, and then even some sexy lingerie! You really surprised me my love!" "Think nothing on it my love, happy-" "My mother was so surprised when I picked her up in a brand new outfit!"
Friendship Quotes
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
Music Pick Up Lines
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
How to Raise Your Grade
A student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve." The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" "Fine, we'll leave it at 90." said the grinning student.
Quotes
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
The Best Hangover
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning for Jack. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well," said the son, thoughtfully, "you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "I don't know. The only other thing I remember is mom dragging you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
History Puns
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Gyno Turned Mechanic
After 20 years of work, a successful gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and decided that, even though this is all he knew, he would seek new career for himself. Hoping to try a career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic, as working in a garage is always something he thought he might be good at. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
Rabbit Puns
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
A Bizarre Request
A man walks into the doctor's office and says: "Doctor, my name is Mark, and I'd like to be castrated." "What? Are you sure about this? Why?" asks the doctor, amazed. "It's something I've been considering a long time and I'd like to have it done" replies Mark. "But have you thought it through? REALLY through?" asks the concerned doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind, so please book me in to be castrated or I'll simply use another doctor." "Well, OK," says the doctor, "But I'll have you know that it's against my better judgment!" So Mark has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Mark," It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Yes, it seems like it," said the patient. "As for me, I finally decided after 37 years of life that it was time for me to be circumcised." Mark stared at him in horror and screamed: "Darn it! THAT was the word!!!"
Tax Quotes
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
Lightning Puns
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
Some of the Funniest Lines in History...
“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“ Unknown “I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:  ‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ".  Eleanor Roosevelt “The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.”  George Burns “Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.” Victor Borge “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.” Mark Twain “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx “My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”  Jimmy Durante  “The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and  kindness, can be trained to do most things.”  Jilly Cooper  “I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”   “I was always a good housekeeper.  Whenever I divorced I always kept  the house.”  Zsa Zsa Gabor  “Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food  groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”  Alex Levine  “My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop  dying.”  Ed Furgol  “Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant  form of misery.”  Spike Milligan  “I am opposed to millionaires, but it would bedangerous to offer me the  position.” Mark Twain “Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.” Herbert Henry Asquith  “I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my  nap.”  Bob Hope  “A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank  her.”  W C Fields “It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.”  George Burns  “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”  Unknown  “Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will  avoid you.”  Unknown  Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”  Unknown  “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go  anywhere.”  Unknown
Bubba and His Wife Go Fishing
Year after year, Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and one early morning they took off to the lake. They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, "Verna Lou, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home." On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, "Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot where all the fish are so next time I'll know?" "Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water." "Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I have ever seen you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat next time!"
Pot Puns
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Food Quotes
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
Travel Quotes
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
Deer Puns
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
Phone Puns
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
Foreign Trouble in Canada
A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water." "But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal." "Wait a minute," said the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'!" "Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
Funny Animal Quotes
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”

- Mark Twain.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”

- Mark Twain.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
The Old Rooster vs. The New Rooster
A farmer had just gotten a new rooster for his hens and the old rooster of many years was worried he would be replaced. However, he had a cunning plan on dealing with this young rival. He went up to the new rooster and said, "Right, I'll make you a deal, let's race for the hens, one lap around the farmhouse. You win, I leave, I win, you leave." The new rooster, being much younger, clearly could see that he would easily beat this old-timer entirely and agreed. "However," the old rooster added. "Since I'm obviously much older, you must wait until I've completed half of the lap before starting so that I have a fair chance." The younger rooster knew that even with that advantage, it was a shoo-in, so he agreed. The race started and the older rooster set off, by the halfway mark he was already huffing and puffing, feeling his age. The younger rooster sped off like a rocket and was quickly catching up. By the time the older rooster was at the three-quarter mark, he was almost out of breath, heaving desperately. The younger rooster was coming up right behind him and was seconds away from beating him. When suddenly "BAM!" The farmer's shotgun rang out, the new rooster collapsed into a bloody heap of feathers. "Darn," the farmer sighed, "Third gay rooster this month."
Hockey Puns
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
Family Puns
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Must Be Fate
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. " The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author" Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm and grew them. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, "It's a date."
Language Pick Up Lines
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
Funny Self-love Quotes
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
Boat Puns
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Hummus Puns
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Easter Puns
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
The Parisian Belle & the Salesman
The owner and head of sales of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in Paris on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner, he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several night-clubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was utterly amazed and took her home. To this very day, he still doesn't know how she guessed that he was a furniture salesman!
Funny Work Quotes
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Keyboard Puns
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Funny Money Quotes
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
When a Gyno Becomes a Mechanic
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said: "no, no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."
Funny Parenting Quotes
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”

– Joyce Armor.
Calling the Doctor
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I’m afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied: "I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS."
Ancient Rome Puns
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Funny Aging Quotes
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
Christian Quotes
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain