“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
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