Crack Jokes

This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
How to Escape Hell Three men go to hell and they’re pissed off about it. “Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.” Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with.” The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard, they think. The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says. Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The boulder immediately splits in half. “Oh no way. Forget about it.” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.” Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?” The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position. “Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with “I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.” “Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright. Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!” CRACK Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping. He gets up, in pain but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, good job, I guess. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?” The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”
"You crack me up."
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
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