“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."