“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
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