"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
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