"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
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