“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
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