“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
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