"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
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