“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
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