"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
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