“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"I don't tan. I burn"
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
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