“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"Humor is reason gone mad."
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