“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
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