“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
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