“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart