"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
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