“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
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