“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
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