“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
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