“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
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