“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton