" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell