“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
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