“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
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