"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller