“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
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