“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
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