"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown