"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
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