"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
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