"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.