"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
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