“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga