“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
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