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True Answers About Retirement!
Question: How many days are there in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.​"There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!" Groucho Marx Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Idiot Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Lunch. "I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy." Danny McGorty Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. Question: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, nothing; Saturday & Sunday, I rest. "I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day." Gene Perret
Pick Up Lines
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
And the Moral Is ...
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe told his story first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good," said the teacher. Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched." "Excellent!" said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far. Next, it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen ... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete." "Go on," said the teacher, intrigued. "Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?" "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drunk."
Family Puns
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Pessimist vs. Optimist
There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist. First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?” “Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.” Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. “What are you doing?” the baffled psychiatrist asked. The little boy replied, “With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!”
Looking for a Wife
Fred is 34 years old and he is still single. One day, a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, why not find a girl who's just like your mother?" A few months later, they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Fred sighed, "My father doesn't like her."
The Staring Viking
There was once a Viking who became such a powerful warrior, he decided to take up a new challenge. The Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests. He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids. Believing that their daughter was guaranteed to win in a staring contest, the couple sent a messenger to invite the Viking to Ireland to face off against her. He gladly accepted the challenge, setting sail the next day. The Viking eventually arrived at the couple's home, where he and the daughter had a staring contest which lasted for hours, and eventually days. Nearly a week had passed, and the Viking's eyes remained wide open. At this point, the girl was so exhausted that she decided to forfeit the match, losing by default. Her parents were baffled. The wife asked her husband, "How could he have kept his eyes open for so long, even against someone with no eyelids?" With no good explanation, the husband shrugged and responded "You can lead a Norse to daughter, but you can't make him blink."
Anti Jokes
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
A Thug For a Boyfriend
Sarah's parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend. This is the first time the 28 year old has brought a man to meet her parents. Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass. They both wore their best clothes and waited for Sarah. At 8PM they hear that ring. They open the door and Sarah is there, standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looks like it has been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face. He looks like he beats people for a living. After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take Sarah to the kitchen. "What the heck, Sarah?" asked her mother, "Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!" "You've got him all wrong," said Sarah, irritated, "he's an incredibly nice and charitable guy." "What makes you say that?" asked her father. "Well, just this month he spent 200 hours serving his community!"
The Ex-Wife & the Bride
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'' A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear......I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''
Funny Summer Quotes
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
Mother Puns
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
Just a Weeee Bit
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby, while cute, had the ugliest face he ever saw. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
Family Vacation Quotes
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
Physics Puns
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Little Johnny Goes to the Zoo
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. ​After several hours, the two men of the family come back, smiling and tired. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
The Balloon Family
There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon. Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from mommy balloon. Then the next night: he released air from the daddy balloon. On the 3rd night he couldn't fit no matter how hard he tried, so he decided to release some air out of himself. The next morning the father woke up enraged as he was still shattered from a sleepless night. He goes: 'Son, you've went to far... you've let me down, you've let your mom down, but most importantly son... you've let yourself down."
One Liners for Kids
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
Funny Money Quotes
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Birthday Puns
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
Funny Work Quotes
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Funny Family Quotes
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”

― Rossana Condoleo
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
Sibling Puns
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
The Three Arranged Marriages
An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them. His friend asks him afterward, “How did it go?” He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.” Friend: “Okay, that’s weird...But what happened when you met them after a week?” He says: “The first girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.” “The second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.” “Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.” Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??” “The one with the big boobs”.
Funny Parenting Quotes
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”

- John J. Plomp.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”

- Andy Richter.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”

- Nate Smith.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”

- Dave Barry.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”

- David Frost.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”

- Ewan McGregor.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
The Thumping Noise
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
A Lesson In Human Anatomy
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Funny Break Up Lines
We should make like your parents and split.
Flamingo Puns
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
Milk Puns
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
You Can Tell It's Sunday
Bill and Marla thought that they had discovered a genius way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 12-year-old son in the apartment. He was promptly sent out on the balcony and told to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Men and Women Take Different University Courses
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. Below them are 10 courses the male staff offered right back.. Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men 1. Combating Stupidity 2. You Too Can Do Housework 3. Resistance to Beer 4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas 6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks") 9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook 10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong 11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 13. You, The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons To Give Flowers 15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb 16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please 17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat 18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies 19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost 20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency 21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes 22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too 23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous 24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver 26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home 27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary 28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag 2. You Can Change The Oil Too 4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug 5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas 6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness 7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football 8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around 9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop 10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right 11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself 12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right 13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility 14. You, The Whining Sex 15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours 16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother 17. How To Close The Garage Door 18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation 19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia 20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank 21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation 22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself 23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend 24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous 25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother 26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack 27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most 28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men 29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving 30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
Dinner With the Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a woman before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and making love. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many contraceptives he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say a prayer and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious!" The boy whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."
Bomb Puns
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
The Mute German Boy
An American couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word. The American couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.” My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?” To which the German boy replies, “Of course.” "How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father. “Vell,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
Viking Puns
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Bible Puns
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
And What Does YOUR Father Do?
It was a regular day at first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living. Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didn't really understand their parents' jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all. When they got to little Johnny, he stood up and said: "My dad cuts people in half." "Oh, really?" asked the teacher with a smile, "You mean he's a magician?" "I don't know." Said Johnny. "A surgeon, maybe?" asked the teacher. "I don't know." repeated Johnny. "Then why do you think he cuts people in half?" asked the confused teacher. "Because I have two half brothers and three half sisters."
Turtle Puns
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
The Adoptive Circus Parents
A husband and wife go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child. They are well dressed and well spoken, and the social workers are quite impressed with them. However, when asked about their profession, the couple said that they run a circus. Hearing that made the social workers raise an eyebrow. It didn't sound so good to them, an environment with animals, that is moving all the time? Doubts were raised about their suitability as parents. So the couple produce photos of their 55 foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a large and spotless nursery. The social workers are happy to see this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, child welfare, proper nutrition and exercise - all that a child requires." Their questions met with such excellent answers, the social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What ages were you looking to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as they fit in a cannon."
The Nature of Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The father says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me the money. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while the money is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in the c*apper."
Math Puns
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
History Pick Up Lines
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
Little Johnny Goes to the Zoo With Dad
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. Little Johnny thought to himself that there was quite a large number of horses at this zoo He wondered where all the other animals were, but was still happy to see the horses. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Questionable Divorce
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Orange Puns
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
Dad Puns
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Mommy, What Were You Doing?
Little Suzie walks in on her parents making love. She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?" "Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out." The little girl starts laughing. "What's so funny hunny?" asks her mother. "You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!"
Toxic Pick Up Lines
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
Can't find God
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. One day, the mother heard of a clergyman in town that has been successful in disciplining children in the past, and asked for his help. The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble now... They can't find God and they're blaming it on us!"
Honey I Want You to Find Out Everything
A young Jewish woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his library for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a bible scholar," he says. "A bible scholar? Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man said, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks: "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers: "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
Ice Cream Puns
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
How The Media Gets its Headlines
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings herto her terrified parents, whothank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page!' 'So, what do you do for a living and who do you support?' The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier just returned from Afghanistan and I'm not really interested in politics, maybe more right wing.' The journalist writes it up and leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: RIGHT WING DESERTER RUNS AWAY FROM THE ARMY, ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH! That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days!
The Wrong Answer
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Arnold gasped, then said coldly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is an appropriate question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!" With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones, another student, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with composure, replied: "That would be the pupil of the eye, under conditions of dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you: One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three... you will someday be faced with dreadful disappointment."
Strawberry Puns
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
An Embarrassing Vehicle
The son of a Saudi mogul goes to study in Europe. One night, the phone rings at the house of his parents. Dad: 'How's your life going, son?' Son: 'It's going well, dad.' Dad: 'Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.' Son: 'No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here.' Dad: 'Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.' Son: 'Well dad, to be honest, I am a bit ashamed to drive to my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.' Dad: 'My dear son, why didn't you say so earlier? I will send you more funds this instant. Please stop embarrassing us and go and get yourself a train too.'
The $15 Porsche
A 16 year old teen comes home with a Porsche. His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.” “With what money?” Demanded his Father. “I know how much a Porsche costs!” “Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.” The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked. “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” “Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother, “she must be mentally ill! Who knows what she will do next? Paul, you go right up there and see what’s going on. And you my son should be ashamed of taking advantage!” So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and asked her what happened. “Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
Goat Puns
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
Mummy Puns
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Quotes
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
Medieval Puns
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Gorilla Puns
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
The Divorce Court
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce. He asks her: "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. Damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
Astronaut Puns
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
Divorce Puns
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Must Be Fate
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. " The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author" Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm and grew them. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, "It's a date."
The Cheapest Porsche
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
Corona Virus Jokes
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
The New School
An eleven-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large black 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son. "Then what was it??" "Well, on that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"
Living the Dream
Two old friends caught up for lunch. Jake and Oliver hadn't seen each other for over twenty years. "How have you been?" Oliver asked. "I've been good" Jake said, ordering from the menu "I'm married with two great kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been?" Oliver puffed up his chest in pride "Well, I've been great! I've spent the last twenty years living the dream. Moved out from living with my parents early. I was lucky to be in a privileged position that I didn't need to find work. I've spent most of time with hobbies like reading and going to the gym. Money hasn't been too much of an issue for me either. And the action! I wasn't much of a player when I was younger. But I have been getting laid consistently. Every single day." Jake couldn't help but listen and feel a bit envious about Oliver living the good life for the past 20 years. The two friends parted after lunch. Later that night Jake was having dinner with his family when the phone rang. "Excuse me, is this Jake?" a voice asked. "Yes it is, how can I help you?" Jake replied. "I'm trying to track down Oliver. You're listed as one of his contacts" the voice continued. "Okay"... Jake asked confused "Can I ask who this is?" "This is Oliver's parole officer."