“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes