“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.