“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
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