“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot