“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
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