“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West