"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
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