"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
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