"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
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