"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."