“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.