"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
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