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goutweed roots Jokes

goutweed roots Jokes and more.
Dinosaur Puns
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
Fairy Puns
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
The Bear and the Atheist
A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to capture photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day: fall colors, birds chirping, a babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves. While snapping shots, the photographer heard a noise behind him and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running and running... And looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him! He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the man saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw... and the atheist cried out, "Oh, God, no!" And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the man heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you've doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?" And the man thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done." And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw. Then the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."
Pea Puns
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
Yard Puns
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Funny Limericks
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
One Liners for Kids
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
The Police Interview
A blonde walks into the police department. "What can I do you for?" asks the police officer on duty. "I'd like to join the police!" She says. Amused and bored, the officer decides to "interview" her and ask a few questions: "What’s 2+2?" She replied, “4”. "What’s the square root of 100?" She answered, “10” "Good, now who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Puzzled, she responds, “hmmm, I don’t know...” The officer smiles and tells her to go home and think about it. The blonde gets home and calls one of her friends, who asked her if she got the job. She responds excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”
Clever Jokes
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Flower Pick Up Lines
Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.
Math Pick Up Lines
You are the square to my root.
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
Math Puns
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Nerdy Pick Up Lines
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
Vegetable Puns
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
Garden Puns
I’m rooting for you!
A Meeting of Witches
There were once four powerful witch covens: the witches of the mountains, the deserts, the forests, and the seas. For a thousand years they made war with one another, casting curses and hexes and bringing all manner of malady to the land in their hatred for one another. One day, they decided the only solution was to convene for a meeting of all the covens, in which they would either strike a deal for peace, or end it all in violent bloodshed. The sea witches arrived first, carried upon a tidal wave that bore them up and onto the coast, the waters crashing loudly as they struck the shoreline as if to announce their presence. The mountain witches rode down the hillside upon magical storm clouds, thunder and lightning bursting from their steeds of vapor, a tumultuous blizzard ravaging the mountains in their wake. The forest witches, shape-shifters, emerged in the form of gnarled roots which encircled the meeting place and rose out of the ground, bending and twisting into humanoid silhouettes from which sprung skin and clothing, as a flurry of leaves swirled around furiously. The sand witches arrived in a catering truck.
Baseball Puns
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Football Puns
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
Tree Puns
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
Australian Pick Up Lines
How about a kanga-root?
Grass Puns
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
Wine Puns
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
Potato Puns
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Electricity Puns
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Tableware Puns
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Beer Puns
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Funny Poems For Kids
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Piano Puns
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
Tax Quotes
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
Basketball Puns
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
Science Pick Up Lines
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
This Nun Needs Help
A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the city's problems. Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!" The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..." "Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?" "Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips." "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?" "Well, I really don't know ..." "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person." "Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me." "Well let's go inside and settle this" "No, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it." "You're on!" said the guy. The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please" The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn "nun" out there again!?!"
Oral Hygiene Puns
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
Flower Puns
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.

What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
Plant Puns
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!