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can of paint Jokes

can of paint Jokes and more.

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Were Adam and Eve Brits, French or Russian?

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." They pondered this possibility, but the Frenchman and the Russian soon shake their heads in disagreement. "Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." Although the Russian and the Brit agreed on this point, there still seemed to be something amiss. "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

Knight Puns

Clever Jokes

How to Get Your Packages

Two friends, Mick and Dave, are having lunch over at Dave’s house when the conversation turns to postal delivery workers. Dave, disgruntled about the subject, says “I order a lot of books to get delivered here daily, but I always get a slip saying that they missed me, even if I’m home to receive them. I’m getting sick of it.” Mick, understanding his frustration, suggests “Maybe you should fight back, complain about it or something.” Dave confidently replies “Don’t you worry about that. I’ve got it sorted today. I’ve put a sign on the front saying that I trade books for paint thinner.” Mick confusedly asks “And how will that solve the problem?” As though on cue, the doorbell rings and a man is heard calling out that he’s with the local postal delivery service, followed by some choice swearing. Dave, nonplussed by the whole situation, wipes his mouth, stands up and says to Mick “Because I covered the front doorstep with super glue.”

Fastest Dad in the World

Three youngsters were in the midst of a spirited debate to determine who had the swiftest dad. "My dad is the fastest!" Anya exclaimed excitedly. "He's a builder and can chuck a brick off the fifth floor, race down the stairs and catch it before it even hits the ground!" "That's nothing!" Brad boasted. "My dad is much faster! He's a professional archer and can target an arrow at a wolf's head, fire it, and then run and grab the creature before the arrow even lands!" "Incredible!" exclaimed Tommy. "But I think my father is way faster!" "What makes you say that?" asked Anya and Brad curiously. "My father has been working at the DMV for 20 years," Tommy answered. "he's expected to be off work at 5PM, but he's so speedy he's home by 1!"

You Can Tell It's Sunday

Bill and Marla thought that they had discovered a genius way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 12-year-old son in the apartment. He was promptly sent out on the balcony and told to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

The Best Invention in the World

A soldier, a sailor and an airman were sitting together having a beer and they begin to discuss the greatest technological inventions of the modern world. "It is the laser," said the soldier, a man of obvious superior intellect. "The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information and you can even use it for photography that is almost tri-dimensional." "No," interjected the sailor, also an intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the soldier's phenomenal mind. "It is the radar. With a radar you can track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch." "I disagree," said the airman, a man of, well he's an airman and all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool. "The greatest invention is the thermos." "The thermos?" exclaimed the other two. "Yup, a thermos," he said. "I mean, just think about it. If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you put cold stuff in it." "Yeah, so?" quizzed the other two. "Well," said the airman, "How does it know?"

Funny Headlines

A Blond Takes Up Painting

A blond wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? "$50" she replies. The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it" A short time later the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked. "Yeah, and I had paint left over so I painted two coats." Impressed the man reaches for the money. "And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a porch. It's a Lexus."

Viking Puns

Deer Puns

Working at The Circus

So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”. Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the heck. I’m pretty talented.” and calls the circus. A lady answers him. “Hello,” she says. “Hi, is this the circus?” “Yes.” “I’ve heard you’re hiring.” “You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?” “Alex.” “Alright then, Alex, what makes you think you can join the circus?” “Well, I have several talents... for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.” “O... Okay... That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s not really not what we’re looking for. I think maybe you should call the NB...” “No, no, wait! I... I can hula hoop for like 30 seconds straight!” “Sir, I really don’t think you understand what the concept of a cir...” “No, please, I... I... I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backwards!” “...” “...” “Goodbye, sir.” She hangs up the phone. Alex sits there for a few seconds before he realizes he forgot something. “Oh darn, I forgot to tell her I’m a horse.”

Respective Developments

Member nations of the UN gathered for an annual meeting of technological advancement reports. The United States ambassador stood and proudly announced, "We have developed a space craft that can fly directly into the sun!" The crowd was shocked and murmurs of "How could this be!" were heard. His assistant quickly handed him a sheet of paper, he coughed and then addressed the audience, "I'm sorry, actually, our new space craft can only fly 3 centimeters below the sun." The Japanese ambassador stood next and told the gathering, "Our Japanese scientists have invented a midget submarine that can touch the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean." Again, shock and disbelief rang through the great meeting hall. An assistant jumped up and whispered in the Japanese Ambassador's ear. He bowed deeply and said, "My deepest apologies, forgive my mistake. Our new submarine can only reach 3 centimeters above the deepest part of the ocean." It was now the French ambassador's turn to make announcement of France's contribution. He stood and looked around, "We in France have been able to develop people that can eat with their noses!" Now the UN meeting was in shock and visible horror that France would play with genetic engineering. "Actually, they eat only 3 centimeters below their noses."

What Nationality Were Adam and Eve?

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are standing in a museum looking at a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden. The three stare at it intently. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the British man. "They must be British." The three of them ponder this possibility for a moment before the Frenchman and the Russian shake their heads in disagreement. "Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, enjoying the best of life. Clearly they are French.". The Brit and Russian agree on this point, but after a moment the Russian shakes his head again. "No clothes, no shelter..." He muses. "Also, they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian!"

Can You Say Daddy?

Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "No. Say daddy." Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "Crap! Say daddy!" Baby: "Crap!" Dad: "What did you say?" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "I'm home!" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "What? Where did you hear that?" Baby: "Daddy."

The Helpful Neighbor

I've lived a few years in my home, and the pretty neighbour next door and I always flirted with each other, despite her being married. One day, when speaking to her husband, he said: "I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg..." At that moment, I just had a brilliant idea. "Don't sweat it, neighbor! I'm on vacation and painting walls is my favorite hobby! It would be a pleasure to do this task." The husband accepted the offer gladly. I don't want to brag about my conversation skills, but I barely started to paint the apartment and I already had that woman in bed with me. But, bad luck... We were just starting and I did not expect the husband to forget his documents and that, for that reason, he had to return home at that specific moment. The neighbor, listening to her husband opening the door, runs to the bathroom, and the guy enters the room and finds me, naked, at the top of the ladder, with my brush on the wall, painting. Screaming, he shouts at me: "What the heck is this? You started painting in my bedroom, and NAKED?" "Hey buddy, I'm working for free, so I start wherever I want!" "But naked?" "You really wanted me to stain my new clothes with paint?" "And with a boner, you bastard?" "And just where am I going to hang the darn bucket!?!"

Pea Puns

Which Faiths Can Walk On Water?

A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat. A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat. Finally, the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around. The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were."

Goat Puns

There's a New Bull in Town

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "Ahhhh... actually I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I.. I have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish - let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL."

Anti Jokes

Making a Point

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that fact. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. "I'm great!" She replies. "What are you doing?" "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are stupid. So I painted the house!" "That's wonderful, honey. Thank you!" He beams. "Just one question, though, "why are you wearing your ski jacket over your fur coat?" "Well, I wanted to be thorough, and the directions on the paint can say: "For best results, put on two coats.""

Art Puns

Jim Thinks He Can Get Any Job

Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager. "You say you have experience selling books?" "Lots of it," replies Jim. "And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?" "Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study." "Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm." While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls. Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?"

The Genius Painter

Many years ago, a wealthy woman, quite fond of collecting antiques and curiosities, found a vase during her travels. She liked the vase so much that she decided to paint her entire display room the same color as the vase. She put out an announcement saying that she will pay out a great deal of money to anyone who can come up with the matching color paint. Many painters came to examine the vase, but try as they might, they couldn't create a paint quite to the woman's satisfaction. One day, a painter comes along asking to examine the vase and promising that he could come up with a matching color. True to his word, after a minute looking at the vase, he is immediately able to deliver to the owner's satisfaction, and is awarded the job. This incident made him famous, which he used to launch a thriving business. Many years later, he decides to retire and hand over the business to his son. His son says to him, "Dad, I have just one question for you. How did you get the paint to match the vase so perfectly?" His father looks at him and says: "Can you keep a secret?" "Sure." The old man comes close to him, leans over and whispers: "I painted the vase."

The Rude Doctors

A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation. She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready. A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her naked body. He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat. A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations. When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

Can You Let the Manager Know Please?

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she purrs, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman, evidently getting a bit hot under the collar by this point. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, touching his lips. "Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' room."

The Most Dangerous Food

A dietitian was once addressing a large church in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago." He cried out. “Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us think about the germs in our drinking water!" He stops dramatically and gives them all a long look. “However, there is one food that is the riskiest of all - and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what risky product I'm referring to?” A hand shoots up. “Yes you, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head, wiped away a tear and said: "Wedding cake."

Predictive Text Can Be Dangerous

The First Text Message: 'Dear John, this is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan.' The Response: John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and went out into the garden for some fresh air. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor. The Second Text Message: 'Hi John, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to ˜Wife”. Technology hey?? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.'

Haggling With the Dentist

One day, a woman walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount!" the woman says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." "That's still too expensive," replies the woman. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the woman, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the woman. "May I book my mother-in-law for next Tuesday please?"

A Senator at a Primary School

A senator is visiting a primary school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy." "No," the Senator says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside ... that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the Senator. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer. "What?" asks the Senator, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally Little Johnny in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying a Senator was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy." "Marvelous!" the Senator beams. "And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch. ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged tone. CANNON'S KARMIC LAW If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tyre. O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. Same goes for car lanes. BELL'S THEOREM The moment your body is immersed in water, the phone rings. RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. WILLOUGHBY'S LAW When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. BREDA'S RULE At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last. OWEN'S LAW As soon as you sit down for a hot cup of coffee, someone will want to talk to you until the precise moment your coffee is cold...

Kids Can Be Cruel...

Little Timothy was a bright young boy, and he was even fairly handsome. The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one. He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self esteem. But he was tired of letting the world get him down. The school dance was coming up and he would be darned if he didn't let himself have a good time. Timothy had eyes for a girl named Sally. She was shy and just as lonely as he was, due to having a fairly pronounced mustache, earning her the nickname, "Hair-lip". Well Timmy saw past her 'stache and thought she was the most beautiful girl in school, and he decided he was going to ask her out. He waited until lunch, and spotted her eating a peanut butter sandwich alone in the corner of the lunchroom. He marched up to her and said, "Sally, I've been seeing you around for a while, and, well... Would you like to go to the dance with me?" Sally's eyes lit up and she responded, "Would I!" "Hair-lip!" blurted Timothy and ran away.

The Newlyweds and the Can of Paint

Three couples went to visit the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without making love for two months and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two months went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was a bit tough the first month but then it was not a problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until the woman dropped a can of paint. "A can of PAINT??!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed husband. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust just took over." The minister just shook his head and said: "You two sinners are not welcome in my church!" "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either."

Marriage Puns

The Mayor's Nightly Visit

A new mayor of Chicago is chosen. That night, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The mayor asks him "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?". FDR responds: "Do everything for the people". The mayor wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night, George Washington appears in the dreams of the mayor. He asks "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie". The mayor wakes up startled, and curses under his breath. "That's not possible!" The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the mayor's dreams. The mayor asks "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?" Abraham looks at the mayor, scratches his beard, and takes a while to answer. "Visit a theater."

Sibling Puns

Can You See Me Now?

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling. The juggler notices the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."

Tiger Puns

Color Puns

How to Improve Your Life

As a boat docked into a tiny seaside village, a visiting businessman complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the fisherman. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the businessman. The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The businessman asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life." The businessman interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" asked the fisherman. "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the city, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the fisherman. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the businessman. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the businessman, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" said the fisherman. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends!"

The Australian Discovery

A few decades ago, an American, a Russian, and an Australian were having dinner. The American says "We are so advanced, we have built airplanes that can go to outer-space." The other two ask, "What? Outer-space?". The American says, "Not exactly, but just a few inches below". After some time, the Russian says, "We are so advanced, we built a submarine that touches the seabed". The other two ask, "What? The actual seabed?". The Russian says, "Not exactly, just a few inches higher". Then, the Australian says, "Well, we have been advanced for centuries. For example, we can pee with our belly buttons!" The other two ask, "what? Belly button?". The Australian says, "Well, not exactly, just a few inches lower."

Rabbit Puns

The Weird Leg Noises

A man went to the doctor. He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can." I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places."

A Pig With Nightmares

A pig goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, I’ve been having these terrible nightmares and I can’t sleep. Can you prescribe me some sleeping pills?" Doctor: "Can you describe your nightmares to me?" Pig: "They are all almost the same. First a man lures me with food, kills me and cuts me into pieces. Then he rubs salt all over my flesh!” Doctor: "I wouldn't worry about it, looks like you’re going to be cured soon."

The Blond Painter

A Blond man is hired to paint the lines on the road. On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road. Disappointed, his boss asks what the problem was. The Blond replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket."

How to Turn Tomatoes Red

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?” The man replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.” She says to herself "Well, what the heck it can’t hurt to try it." Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. “So so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”

You Can Stop That Now

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for Cats, which was making its long-anticipated return to Broadway. Suddenly, he felt a pair of hands kneading into his back. Startled by this blatant intrusion of personal space, he turned around to find out that it was a complete stranger standing in line behind him doing the kneading. Giving the stranger a stern look, the kneading stopped for a few minutes, but he felt hands working on his back again soon enough. "Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back, and what on earth makes you think you have the right to do so without asking me first?" "Oh, I’m so sorry… I'm a chiropractor you see," the man replied, "and sometimes I just can't keep myself from practicing my skills." "Well, you should really get a hold of yourself – it’s not appropriate to be touching the backs of random men without their permission," the lawyer shot back. "In fact, I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing just any old guy in front of me, do you!?"

Dog Puns

Cat Puns

Can You Make It Up That Pole, Honey?

A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blonde and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby. For whatever reason, she decided to do it. When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her: "Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?" The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive and decided to show those boys a thing or two. The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming. "What are you so happy about?" asked her mother. "I totally showed them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear!"

Alone With a Starlet

After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course. At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, she took care of him in return, and eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else in the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of clever little commodities, all done to make life easier. One night she threw herself at him and they made love. After that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed. "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say. She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him to try. "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "Sure," she said "anything!" "Ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore." "Ok..." "Now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat." "Wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "Oohh, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it." She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache." "Ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered. "Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit," he said a bit excited... She started walking, wondering and doubting herself. She was confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was him? Suddenly, the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "Man! you won't BELIEVE who I've been sleeping with for the past 6 months!"

A Woman of Good Reason

A farmer took his truck in for repairs. The local mechanic's couldn't do it while he waited: so, as he didn't live far, he said he would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem. - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" she asked. "Well, “ said the farmer, “as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would gladly walk you there, but I can't carry this lot." “Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket,” suggested the little old lady, “carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' “Why, thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said. “'Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?” “Holy smokes lady!”, the farmer said. “I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” “Well, if you WERE to do such a thing,” the old lady replied, “you would set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I would hold the chickens.”

The Smartphone Poem

My new phone is "smart." I guess that I'm not. Amazing what all this here smart phone has got. TV and Weather and Internet, too. There's just no limits to what it can do. Check my blood pressure and my temperature Without even probing all my apertures. I now know the time in Paris or Greece. I can track the migration of thousands of geese Or find Chinese food; it's here on this map. Oops, my finger just slipped, now where was that at? A camera...a CAMERA! Now I can take shots Of everyone I know (who'd rather I not). Push this here button and take me a "selfie." (If it had a nose would this thing take a "smellfie"?) Email to pester with, video to shoot, Maps to drive 'round with, wow that's a hoot! A compass to guide me home if I'm lost. Thank God work paid for this thing (what it COSTS!). The things that it does would amaze Mr. Bell. What he would have thought of it, no one can tell, But one question's still stuck in my middle-aged craw. Despite all the gizmos that strike me with awe, They're fun and they're useful and "techy" and all ...But how do I just simply make a phone call?

How Lucky Can One Gal Get?

My wife comes in with a brand new bag, looked expensive. Me: "Honey I see you got a new Gucci bag, where'd you get it?" Wife: "My boss and I bought a lottery ticket together and won! I bought the bag with my half of the winnings." *next day wife comes home with new, fancy sunglasses. Me: "Wow those are elegant sunglasses you have on today. Where did you get them?" Wife: "My boss and I spent some of our leftover winnings on another ticket and won again! Used my half of the winnings to treat myself again." *the 3rd day wife drives home in new Ferrari Me: "Let me guess...you and your boss won the lottery again?" Wife: "Yes!! Isn't our luck just so unbelievable right now?? All of this winning has wiped me out mentally. Could you do me a huge favor and fill the bath for me so I can relax?" Me: "Anything for you, dear." *Wife comes up to see the bathtub filled with only an inch or two of water. Wife: "Honey how is this gonna work... You need to fill it with way more water than this." Me: "We don't want to get your lottery ticket wet now do we?"

Dear Mom and Dad

A college student sends a letter to his folks back home Dear Mom and Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi*$$ you guy$! Love, Your $on - - - - - - - Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Mom and Dad

His One Request

A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops. Its WWI, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers. He goes up to the first man and says: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier replies: "sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful." The general asks him: "How are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my behind with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can." The general seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man. The general approaches the second man's bed and asks: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier replies somewhat embarrassed: "Sir, I got gonorrhoea from a woman while I was on leave." The general laughs and says: "It happens to the best of us son, how are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my privates with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can." The general once again seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man. The general approaches the third man's bed and asks: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier tells him: "sir, I got strep throat in the trenches." The general asks: "How are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my throat with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" "Actually sir, there is one thing..." Said the soldier. "I'd like to be the first one to use the brush."

Nuts Puns

Jack Paints the Inside of the Church

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually, the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine. Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Knock Knock Jokes

Funny Limericks

Can You Please Shoot Me Some More?

Dave the ranch hand had just finished up his work for the evening and is about to get into his car when a man dressed in black appears from the bushes with a gun in his hand. "Give me everything you've got!" he screeches at Dave. So Dave hands over his money and his wallet, but as the man is about to leave Dave stops him. "Say..." he says to the robber. "Could you shoot a few bullets in my hat to make it look to my wife like I was truly afraid for my life? She'd think I spent it on booze and gambling otherwise." The robber had a wife too so he agreed and shot a few holes in Dave's hat. Dave then asked, "Please shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not like a coward." The criminal sighed and shot the coat. Then Dave said: "Can you please shoot-" "please, no more, I'm out of bullets!" said the mugger tiredly. "That's what I wanted to hear." Smiled Dave unpleasantly. "Now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue!"

Can You Keep an Eye On My Car?

A tourist climbed out of his hire-car in downtown Washington, D.C. He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city's other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack. As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk. He said to him: "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?" "Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

Head Puns

The Real All-You-Can-Eat

A few decades ago there is a restaurant that advertised that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology. A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be total BS, but decides to try it out anyway. He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?" Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin to eat, please" Waiter: "Give us just a moment." The waiter leaves to the kitchen. As a few minutes pass by; the man believes he's going to get an easy $5000 as he thinks they are taking too long and probably preparing something else. At this moment, the waiter returns. Appearing a little anxious, the waiter asks, "Apologies sir, but do you mind telling me what kind of elephant you want this ear from?" The man is stunned. He didn't think they'd get to this moment. Man: "Uhhh... .An Indian elephant is fine." Waiter: "Thank you." The waiter goes back to the kitchen. 1 minute later, the waiter returns again. Waiter: "And which side did you want the ear from?" The man is starting to sweat bullets at this point. Man: "Uhhhhhhhhh.... Left ear, I guess." "Splendid." Says the waiter and leaves to the kitchen yet again. The man is scared as he has no idea how much this ear is going to blast away his wallet. 5 minutes later, the waiter comes back with a platter of food and $5000 for the man. Waiter: "Here is your order sir. Sorry, but we are out of muffins."

The Secure Bench

A new general was allotted to a new army base. After some time in the base he realized how there were two army men guarding an empty bench in shifts. He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but it’s been a tradition here since joined 35 years ago.” The general confused as he was went through the past generals of that base till he found the one that was in charge 35 years ago. He attempted to find him, and found that he had retired and he lived in the countryside now. He contacted him and requested to meet. On the day of the meeting the general asked the retired commander why that bench was guarded so much. The commander was shocked. “So you’re telling me the paint on that bench hasn’t dried yet?!”

Being Senior Can Be a Funny Thing...

Want to live forever? Then choose one of these professions: Old bankers never die, they just lose their interest! Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal. Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under. Old printers never die, they're just not the type. Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding. Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip. Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive. Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver. Old actors never die, they just drop apart. -------------------------------------- Three old guys were out walking. First one said, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one said, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one said, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!" -------------------------------------- Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary: BFF: Best Friend Fainted BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered by Medicare FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

Cherry Puns

The Photo in Her Purse

A young couple gets married and go on their honeymoon, the following morning the bride walks out of the shower, naked. The husband says, “Stop.” Grabs his camera and takes a quick photo. She asks him why he took a photo when he can see her naked anytime? He says, “So I can carry it in my wallet, close to my heart.” She smiles. He goes to have his shower, as he comes out and she is waiting with the camera and takes his photo. He says, “is that so you can carry my picture with you always?” “No, it’s so I can have it enlarged.”

One Liners and Short Jokes

Where Are You Going, Missy?

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager yells back: "Loosen up, Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She lets her grandmother know that she has friends coming over shortly, and that it's just not appropriate... The grandmother says: "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Peach Puns

I Swear, He Can Talk!

A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office. "All right, lets make this quick, I have things to do. Says the bored agent. "What's your talent?" The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!" "Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out." "No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?" "Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail. "Listen, pal..." says the agent. "Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "How does sandpaper feel?" "Rough!" exclaims the dog. "Quit wasting my time and get out of here." sighs the agent. "One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?" "Ruth!" barked the dog. The man turns to the agent with a bright smile. "Okay, that's it!" says the agent. He gets up and forces the man and the dog out the door. Turning to the man, the dogs sighs and says: "Joe Dimaggio?"

Snake Puns

Leg Puns

What Is This Contractor Doing?

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color." The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!" Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out of my window each time I tell you what color I'd like a room?" The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying turf across the street."

The Unhealthiest Food...

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford on the subject of modern nutrition. "The rubbish we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said: "Wedding Cake?"

Funny Tongue Twisters

A Blonde Interview

A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" He asks. The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 25!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Oh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

Elf Puns

The Illiterate Job Seeker

A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job. Eventually, he comes to a brothel with a "Help Wanted!" sign in the window. He walks in and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here establishment, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat." the manager gives him a coin. The destitute man walks out of the brothel and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cart full of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the apple cart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars. Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that." says the man. "Why not?" Asks the surprised reporter. "I can't read or write... How do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you can't read or write? Imagine where you'd be if you could!" "Well, I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a brothel."

Easter Puns

Dinosaur Puns

Plain English

A man came to see his family doctor. The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said: "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Cheese Puns

How to Handle Hot Trash

It's a nice day at the university, when members of the teaching staff, a physicist, a law professor, a political science professor, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire! The political science professor says: "Don't worry! I'll take care of everything!" and proceeds to exit the room. The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!" The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!" The law professor declares: "Please stop blaming the victim, you have yet to prove the can is indeed on fire!" Meanwhile, the three turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire! "What the heck are you doing??" they scream at him. "Getting a proper sample size!"

Blonds Don't Make the Best Helpers

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” “How about 50 dollars?” said the blonde. The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his wallet for the 50 dollars. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porsche; it’s a Ferrari!”

The George and Dragon

A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town. The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub, The George and Dragon, which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze. Entering the bar room, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather padded booths, and a mahogany bar with brass rails, polished to a shine, they went up to the bar and asked for a room. "Rooms cost £20 per night, we don't accept euros, and you must be out by 7am tomorrow, or else you pay for both days." "Alright then, could I get something to eat ma-" "Kitchen closed at 6, and I am not going back there until 11am tomorrow, no matter what you say. Anything else?" "Yes, could I please talk to George?"

What Can Else Can You Do?

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

The Blonde and Her Melons

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along. The guy asks, "What are you carrying?" "Melons," the blonde replies. "Cool," the guy says."If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?" The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them!"