Got my nurse going into surgery today She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What kind of Nurse can cast spells? A Curse Practitioner.
The Old Lady Shoplifter
An old lady gets caught shoplifting.
On court day the lady and her husband who goes stand before the judge and she says to her, "Why did you shoplift?"
And she says "I was hungry."
The judge says "What did you take?" She replies, "A can of peaches."
The judge thinks on this and comes to a decision. "How many peaches where in the can?"
"Six." says the old lady.
"Then you shall serve six days in jail." Decrees the judge. "Do you have anything to add?"
"Ah, your honor?" Her husband suddenly raises his hand. "She stole a can of peas too."