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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
The Old Lady Shoplifter
The Old Lady Shoplifter An old lady gets caught shoplifting. On court day the lady and her husband who goes stand before the judge and she says to her, "Why did you shoplift?" And she says "I was hungry." The judge says "What did you take?" She replies, "A can of peaches." The judge thinks on this and comes to a decision. "How many peaches where in the can?" "Six." says the old lady. "Then you shall serve six days in jail." Decrees the judge. "Do you have anything to add?" "Ah, your honor?" Her husband suddenly raises his hand. "She stole a can of peas too."
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
Hey Steve, do you shower after sex?
Well yes Bob, I do.
Great, can you please get laid more often?
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.