“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”