“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain