“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown