"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.