“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers