“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”