“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."