“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“Every mile is two in winter.”
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld