"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox