"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard