"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres