“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen