"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar