“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly