"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."