"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."